Well this is the hardest day I've had in a long time. I didn't even know Chris McCully, at all. And somehow his death has changed me. When I looked at his profile, I couldn't help to remember when Devon died. Seriously, it doesn't happen often, but I just broke down. Going through all of the wall posts people had posted on Devon's facebook just reminds me how much of an amazing person he was and how much he is missed. Everytime I think about death the lyrics from Blessed be the Name pop into my head. I mean God does give and takes away. I think that sometimes we forget about all of the amazing things God has given us..and we just focused on what he takes away. But He has a purpose in doing those things! Maybe we can use these deaths to become better people, God took away Chris McCully, who from what I've heard was an extremely nice person, maybe we can all act a little nicer to attempt to fill his spot, even though that's impossible.

Ya know, after Devon died a lot of people blamed God. One of my best friends, who constantly inspired me to grow more in my faith and get into a deeper relationship with God completely lost her faith. She couldn't find a reason not to blame God. It kills me inside. It literally causes me physical pain, because I know that without her, I wouldn't be where I am today in my walk with God. I don't know, I guess I'm just writing this to just think about things. It's been a long time since I've thought about all this. Sometimes it's really hard to just put on a happy face and smile.

To Save a Life.

If you haven't seen the movie To Save a Life I strongly consider it. It was sooo amazing. Best movie I've seen in a while. It really makes you think.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved. 


You've been remade.


I love these lyrics. It's always good to remember where I've come from. I know my past is bad at all compared to others, but to me it means a lot. I wonder, what would've happened if I didn't take that step and decide to go on the Riverside Recharge, or what would've happened if I would've not started going to OHC, the church that has most definitely changed my life. What would've happened if I didn't take that step, to know Christ and His Love. I am so happy I did. 


I am not where I want to be though, and I don't think I ever will be, but that is sure not going to stop me from trying. I want to grow so much in my faith. I KNOW one hundred percent that if I would have went on Caravan, I would have grown in my faith. I would've had quality time to worship, pray, grow, talk, meet, and just spend time with God. I know that I could've possibly changed Karen's life. You don't understand how much that just makes me break down. I want to change people and help them in their walk with God, because I know without people like that in my life, I wouldn't have changed. Karen goes to college in a week or two. Who knows what will happen then. 


I can't stop thinking about what I want to do when I grow up. I've thought about so many professions, and I just can't imagine myself doing any of those. Do I want to do a DTS? Part of me just wants to become a missionary, part of me wants to be a teacher, part of me wants to be a youth leader, part of me wants to be a children's doctor. All of me doesn't know. Oh well, God has his plans for me, and I know he'll guide me where I want to go. He's pretty awesome.