Well this is the hardest day I've had in a long time. I didn't even know Chris McCully, at all. And somehow his death has changed me. When I looked at his profile, I couldn't help to remember when Devon died. Seriously, it doesn't happen often, but I just broke down. Going through all of the wall posts people had posted on Devon's facebook just reminds me how much of an amazing person he was and how much he is missed. Everytime I think about death the lyrics from Blessed be the Name pop into my head. I mean God does give and takes away. I think that sometimes we forget about all of the amazing things God has given us..and we just focused on what he takes away. But He has a purpose in doing those things! Maybe we can use these deaths to become better people, God took away Chris McCully, who from what I've heard was an extremely nice person, maybe we can all act a little nicer to attempt to fill his spot, even though that's impossible.

Ya know, after Devon died a lot of people blamed God. One of my best friends, who constantly inspired me to grow more in my faith and get into a deeper relationship with God completely lost her faith. She couldn't find a reason not to blame God. It kills me inside. It literally causes me physical pain, because I know that without her, I wouldn't be where I am today in my walk with God. I don't know, I guess I'm just writing this to just think about things. It's been a long time since I've thought about all this. Sometimes it's really hard to just put on a happy face and smile.

To Save a Life.

If you haven't seen the movie To Save a Life I strongly consider it. It was sooo amazing. Best movie I've seen in a while. It really makes you think.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved. 


You've been remade.


I love these lyrics. It's always good to remember where I've come from. I know my past is bad at all compared to others, but to me it means a lot. I wonder, what would've happened if I didn't take that step and decide to go on the Riverside Recharge, or what would've happened if I would've not started going to OHC, the church that has most definitely changed my life. What would've happened if I didn't take that step, to know Christ and His Love. I am so happy I did. 


I am not where I want to be though, and I don't think I ever will be, but that is sure not going to stop me from trying. I want to grow so much in my faith. I KNOW one hundred percent that if I would have went on Caravan, I would have grown in my faith. I would've had quality time to worship, pray, grow, talk, meet, and just spend time with God. I know that I could've possibly changed Karen's life. You don't understand how much that just makes me break down. I want to change people and help them in their walk with God, because I know without people like that in my life, I wouldn't have changed. Karen goes to college in a week or two. Who knows what will happen then. 


I can't stop thinking about what I want to do when I grow up. I've thought about so many professions, and I just can't imagine myself doing any of those. Do I want to do a DTS? Part of me just wants to become a missionary, part of me wants to be a teacher, part of me wants to be a youth leader, part of me wants to be a children's doctor. All of me doesn't know. Oh well, God has his plans for me, and I know he'll guide me where I want to go. He's pretty awesome. 

Day One: New Yorkk FAIL.

So, we started off today by driving to Cedar Rapids. There we smoothly went into flying to Detroit. When we got into Detroit, we noticed our plane to Newark is cancelled...bummer. Well they ended up rescheduling my aunt for a flight tonight, but they scheduled my mom, sister and I for a flight to Atlanta tomorrow at four in the afternoon, then back to Newark. So pretty much we'd get to NY 30 hours late. However, my aunt is special and got us tickets for tomorrow at 10:00 in the am straight to NY. We're also on standby for a her flight tonight. Hopefully we get on it, because otherwise we're spending the night in an airport, which kind of sounds like an adventure to me:P

Well, right now we're in this weird lounge thingy that has really good free food. My sister's doing her final and I'm pretty sure my aunt and mom are sleeping. Hopefully tonight/tomorrow we actually get into New York!

Goodbye Iowa, hello New York!

Soo, in aproximately five hours and thirty five minutes, I will be leaving for New York. Whoops, I'm still not done packing:P

I feel like in the past year, I have moved so far ahead. I don't know what to do now that I feel like I'm stuck. I feel like I'm breaking. I'm falling apart slowly. I need You God. I need You to help me.

What do you do, when you finally understand what God wants you to do, but you can't do it?

7/16/2010

Tomorrow, wake up at seven. Play tennis for forty billion hours. Come home. YAY. 

Anyways, here's my latest deal. So a couple nights ago my friend invited me to come over to some of his friend's house and i went. I knew some of them, and I met the rest. They were all really really nice, and it was a lot of fun, like more fun then my average night. So tonight was they first night that I hung out with all my friends for a while, and I can't help but just feel like i'm not having as much fun as I could. I don't know, it's a weird feeling. It's like why am I not having fun with the friends I have known for ten years?! Have we really changed that much?

Idk. Praying for lots of things tonight.
SEEEEE YA LATA!

Hi.

Hi.

I'm babysitting for eight and a half hours today. I think i might cry.

I MYSTERIOUSLY LOST MY BIBLE.
I READ IT LAST NIGHT, THEN SET IT DOWN ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO MY BED.
TODAY I GOT UP AND LOOKED FOR IT TO TAKE TO BIBLE STUDY, AND IT IS NO WHERE TO BE FOUND.
I AM SO CONFUSED.

Jesus I stand for You
No matter what You lead me through
They will chase me down
and close me down
But Jesus I'll stand for You
I'll always stand.

I'm kind of digging these lyrics.
I slept in until 2:30 today, it was kind of awesome.
I'm still really tired.

7/11/2010

This weekend: Went to Mall of America

So, Bailey, Karen, Maddie, Taryn, Ellie and I decided to go on a road trip to the mall of america for two days. We spent the night and it seriously, was one of the best weekends I have had in a long time.
Before, I felt like me and those guys were getting kind of seperated, I mean, I just didn't hang out with them a lot and I noticed our differences more than our similarities. I had doubts about this trip and just thought about the worst that could happen. It was seriously sooo fun. We got to the mall around noon and ate. Then shopped until like six. Then we went to the hhotel, got ready and headed back to the mall to eat at rainforest cafe, then we shopped more. We went back to the hotel, went swimming, pierced Karen's ears, and slept. The next day we went to the mall at like eleven, and shopped and went on some rides. Then headed back. Man it was fun.

Oh, so I have kind of a dilema...
So my sister, my aunt, my mom and I are going to New York July 25-30. Here's the deal,  I don't really want to go. I mean nothing bad about new york, just it's not really my type of trip. i know it's going to be awesome, but I would rather go on a vacation to the wilderness or the beach or something rather than a unusually large city. I think it's more of a trip for Ellie, and I know she's really excited about it.

Before the trip, I REALLY wanted to go on caravan, but the dates crossed over and i missed the sign up deadline so I just decided I wasn't going to go. But WOAH, what do you know, there's three spots open now. I talked to Karen about going, and she said she wants to. I know that that has the potential to changer not only mine, but her life too. Last caravan she went on, honestly changed her. This sounds kind of chesy, but this is like her last summer to do caravan, right now, she doesn't really believe in God, but she's searching for what to believe in, and I think that she WANTS to believe in God, she just can't seem to put some answers to some of her questions, if that makes any sense. But anyways, I just feel like this is God telling me and her to go, I feel like if she doesn't go, this is going to be like her last chance because who knows what's going to happen when she goes into college. I know if I talked to my mom about this, she wouldn't understand at all. Like right now, it's not even that I want to go on Caravan myself, it's just that I see a life changing possibilty for Karen. and I know that she wont go on Caravan by herself.

Also, that week that I'm gone is volleyball team camp. My mom doesn't seem to understand how important this is to me. This year is the last year I can play volleyball. We have an amazing new coach, and actually have a chance to be decent. Being a senior, i have a BIG leadership role. I want to take advantage and use my abilities to make our team like one big family, and if i don't go to team camp, I feel like I am losing my chance, I don't know. I feel like I can't be a very dedicated player if I'm not going to team camp.

I don't know. Frustration a little bit. But whatever God wants to happen will find a way to be.
Adios.
Sleep tight.

I can't figure out why the font color is funny.

I think I finally nailed what my problem is. I am terrible at shining God's glory. He says to us so many times in the bible to shine His light, and yet I still have troubles doing it. It's like I'm scared that if I tell someone that I'm absolutely in love with Jesus Christ, the world will explode. And that's definitely not going to happen. I mean, there's a couple things that can happen...they agree with me and are wayy farther than me in their journey with Christ, which would be super stellar, they accept that fact, but admit they aren't quite there yet, or they look at me funny and walk away. 


"In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." -Matthew 5:16


Man. It's crazy to thing of how far I've come in a year. Last year, around this time, maybe more into the fall, I went to Decorah with a couple of my friends, at that point in my life, I didn't really have faith. I mean I believed in God but didn't really do anything. I remember being forced to go to church, my mom would literally ground me if I didn't go, and now I go to church because I WANT TO, not because I have to. Anyway, I was in Decorah and my friend was talking about how she drank and whatnot, and I said I never had before, She asked me if I was one of those "crazy Jesus people", I said no. 


I was too scared that she might judge me. 


I regret those days so much. I wish I could go back to the very beginning of my life and live everyday as on fire for Christ as I am now.


And the funny thing is, I can grow so much more. It's amazing when I go to bible study and I just sit there and listen to the things all these people say. They know so much, and truly do live out God's word, I want to get to that point, there's just so much to do. I love God so much, and continue to see him in my everyday life. Oh man, God is awesome.


P.S. I got three new fish today, Frank, Henry and Peter!

These are kind of addicting:)

Do you worry your last ex will move on & be happier with another person?
Umm...what ex? ;)

Whats one thing that really bothers you?
I try to stay focused on the positive things, but when people chew really loudly. Haha.

What's something that's changed your life?
Um..well finding GOD!

Is there someone you don’t ever want to be out of your life?
Well...yeah.

Where did you get your last bruise from?
I have a big one from slip and sliding.

Do you get along with guys or girls better?
Not quite sure.

What were you doing at 8 this morning?
Just woke up!

Have you talked to a complete jerk today?
Nope.

What’s a fact about the last person who text messaged you?
She was pretty much the best volleyball coach ever, and has three cute kids she wanted me to babysit:)

What are you excited for?
Today: Um, getting off work, haha.
This week: Going to the mall of america.
This month: New York
This year: Being a seniorrr!

What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Driving home.

Honestly, who was the last person to tell you that they love you?
My cousin:)

Will this weekend be a good one?
For sure.

How late did you stay up last night and why?
well I wanted to go to sleep early, but it seriously took me forever to fall asleep. So around twoish?

Do you miss anyone?
Uh huh.

Who was the last person you rode in the car with that was under 21?
Marge.

Do you have curly hair?
Nope.

What should you be doing right now?
Probably putting one of my four queens shirts in the wash so I have one to wear tonight.

Are you mad at anyone right now?
NOPE.

Did Someone Leave your Life & you Wished they Came Back?
Sure, but heaven's a pretty great place too.

Was New Years enjoyable?
Yeah:)

If you could see someone right now it'd be....?
Umm...Michael Jordan. First person that came in my mind. Hahaha.

Is there a high chance of you going out to the movies soon?
I don't know? I kinda want to see parents...

Are you easily scared by horror/thriller films?
Nope, I'm a rock.

If you had $100 would you spend or save it?
Save.

Do you think relationships are hard?
I wouldn't quite know.

Do you have secrets that no one knows?
Nope:) I'm pretty open once I get to know you.

Where was your default picture taken?
Drake, YLC june week.

What is your favorite color?
PINK:)

What's your favorite season?
summer.

Do you believe there are certain circumstances where cheating is okay?
no.

What are you doing tonight?
WOrkinggg, then no plans yet. Wanna hang? Let me know.

Do you wanna have children?
SUre!

Do you like to cuddle?
Haha.

Did you hug or kiss anyone today?
Nope. Well I kissed my fishies in their bowl.

What are you planning on doin NEXT weekend?
MALL OF AMERICA!

What do you want for your birthday?
that is way to far away!

When was the last time you felt like your heart was breaking?
Umm...

Hows your heart?
Lovin.

Do you have a brother?
Yup.

Do any sports?
Tennis, Volleyball, Used to do bball, cheerleading, soccer, softball...wow.

Do you think you are pregnant?
Not a chance...unless i'm the next virgen Mary;)

What color is your hair?
Light brown,

Do you and your siblings have the same parents?
Yes we do!

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
Yes, and I will.

At the beginning of the summer, who were you in a relationship with?
No one.

Are you worried about anyone right now?
Sure.

What were you doing at 10:30 last night?
Working, wait, no. At home.

Are you listening to music right now?
Yup.

Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
HOT. but not humid :(

What were you doing at 7am this morning?
sleeping.

Were you happy when you woke up today?
no, i was a little tired though.

What mood are you in right now?
Blah. Haha.

Is your room ever clean?
Yeah.

Has anyone got on your nerves lately?
nope.

What were you doing before filling out this survey?
Facebook stalking...haha.

What's a concern of yours right now?
Summer's going to fast!

Are you keeping a secret right now?
No haha.

Do you miss the way things used to be?
Uh huh.

Are you sarcastic?
sometimes

Do you think you can last for an hour without talking?
Sure. If they pay me.

Do you like getting hugs from other people?
No, not going to lie.

Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 5 days?
Sure.

Is your hair longer than your shoulders?
Yup.

Do you know anyone else with your name?
Yup, a little girl in Mexico.

How many times have you gotten detention in school?
A couple haaha.

Do you have a little sister?
nope.

Do you like to listen to the radio when you're in the car?
Yup.

When's the last time you ate at Taco Bell?
A couple weeks ago!

Do you like to wear flip-flops?
Yeah

Have your parents ever hated your boyfriend/girlfriend?
Umm, what boyfriend? I don't think middle school relationships count:P

Do you like Converse?
Sure.

When's the last time you had an Oreo?
Oh, like yesterday.

Want something you can't have?
nope.

Do you have a secret that you've never told ANYONE?
seriosly what's with the secret questions?

Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?
MAYBE.

If you don't have a religion, than what do you live for?!

Man, the title sums up a good part of my night. But anyways, I kinda feel like this is my journal... so...

Dear Journal,
Today I went fishing with Marge, Karen and Maranda. Haha, we caught three fish! Then we went and bought a slip and slide, then used our slip and slide. Then we went bowling.

After bowling we had to take Maranda to her house in W'Loo, so me, Maranda and Karen rode in the back of Andrew's truck. It was awesome. Seriously, riding in the back of trucks is probably one of my favorite things to do. So on the way back, it was just me and Karen and so we laid down in the bed of the truck and stared up at the stars. (Which is really cool to do generally because the stars look like there not moving). And we started talking about how it's just weird to think about the universe and everything. Then we kind of got into a more religious aspect of it. Karen pointed out that it's so weird, how complexly made the universe is. It made me think about how seriously the whole "The earth is made by a sonic boom" theory, or whatever, doesn't make since. LIke really... how did the earth happen to form the perfect distance away from the sun and be the perfect size and have the things life needs for surviving. It just doesn't make since. The only logical answer I can think of is that there was a Creator...God. I kind of talked with her about that. Then we just talked about religion in general. Karen said how for her, it's so hard to understand that God made each of us individually and how he loves EACH of us. She shared some stories from Caravan when she went in 2008. She said that after that trip she was on a Jesus high pretty much. She was confident in her faith and what she believed in, then last summer, when Devon died it just all went down.

But anyway, so we continued talking, and I mentioned how I don't want to be the stereotypical "Christian Girl" I want to be different, I want to get out and DO something! And yeah, we just had a good conversation. Anyways though after we got back to CF, Andrew came and talked with us and he said he kind of had the same beliefs as Karen now. That kind of shocked me because I thought of Andrew always as a strong Christian and I looked up to him a lot in his faith and whatnot. Hah i used the word whatnot. But yeah, so If your reading this just say a quick little prayer for Andrew and Karen, ya know? I want to do something to help each of them grow in their faith, I just don't really know the next step is.

I think this bible verse pretty much sums up my night: "Now faith, is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." -Hebrews 11:1

Yeah.. think about it.

What up.

So, today me and two of my friends had a good conversation. We talked about the importance of waiting until marriage to lose your virginity. Honestly, I can't even imagine NOT waiting. It is one of the most important things to me. We talked about how that's the biggest thing you can give to a guy and if you waste it, then how does that ever make it special when your married. I can say, and I know I will stick through with it, that I will not have sex until I'm married. 
Anyways...today was fun. I woke up, watched some Glee, went to the baseball game, volleyball open gym & went to Margaret's. I have high hopes for volleyball this year. I feel like I should take a really big leadership role, because I am a senior this year. We have awesome coaches and hopefully can improve..well because our past isn't the best;) 
At Margaret's, we painted our nails:) ahahaha, then we played Blokus.. AKA best game ever. Seriously. If you haven't played it, get it. Then we played bananagrams, also a good game. Then Taryn dropped me off at my car at Karens and me and Maranda rode in the back of the truck, it was fun:) Haha. 
Anyways, today was good. 
Good day. 
Bien Dia.




P.S. if anyone actually reads this, they should let me know, so I don't feel stupid writing these...

GOD IS AWESOME.
Hands down.
There's no doubt in my mind.
I want to shout His name and praise and worship Him.
I want to live my life here on earth all for Him.

fnafieiaodnk.

It's not that I don't want to hang out with you...It's that it hurts SO much to see the way you've changed.

Sleep Deprivation.

I can't fall back asleep:( It's quite sad.
I woke up when it started storming, and now I'm just really hungry, but can't gain enough energy to go eat something. Well anyway, last night, I had a very un-productive night. Me and Marge just drove around.

I've decided on my goal for this summer, for real. I think it's to just grow closer to God, and to spread His love. I think the last part is what I'm really bad at. It's like I worry soo much about what people think about me, I try to change who I am just for them. I don't want to do that anymore. I mean, if I'm a christian, then why don't I act like it ALL the time? I need to work on spreading His love. I need to work on loving everyone and not judging. That's pretty hard for me, but I'm trying. I focus too much on what others do wrong and not enough on what I do wrong.

Anyways..volunteering at Prairie Lakes's nursery tomorrow:) Kind of excited:)

VBS

VBS is over, and I guessed I liked it more than I thought. I miss the kids, they were cute:)

if you have food in the fridge, clothes on your back, a roof over your head & a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of the world. if you have any money in the bank, your wallet & some spare change in a dish someplace, you are among the top 8% of the world’s wealthy. if you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the million people who will not survive this week. if you have never experienced the danger of battle, the agony of imprisonment or torture, or the horrible pangs of starvation, you are luckier than 500 million people alive going through this suffering. if you can read this message you are more fortunate than the 3 billion people in the world who cannot read at all.

Well this is kind of powerful. This makes me want to do more. I know that right now, I am not doing all that I can. I just don't know how to get there. Lame excuse, I know. But I just want to get up and DO something, GO somewhere and HELP people. I'm so fortunate that God gave me this life, and I want to do all that I can to make other's lives better.

Are you dating the last boy you talked to?
Haha, nope.

When is the last time you took a nap?
A week ago?

What are you listening to right now?
The television.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Ellieee.

What was on your mind most today?

Well I woke up like an hour ago...but I guess what i'm doing the rest of the day?

Something that happened today that made you angry?
Nothing:)

Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
Depends who you are! But kind of hide them more.

Do you wear makeup?

Somedays.

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
Fo sho.

What color is your hair?
Light brown.

Who was the last person you talked to in person?
Tyler & Ellie.

What are you doing tonight?
Volleyball open gym, VBS, then i don't know!

What did you do yesterday?
Woke up, went on a bike ride with Marge:), VBS, drove around, hung out with my sis. Haha:)

Are you happy right now?
Sure:)

Are you cold?
Kinda.

First thing you do when you wake up?
Look at my clock.

How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night?
Depends, sometimes a long time, sometimes really quick:)

What do your friends call you?

Ana, On-A chair, Banana. Haha pretty much just Ana.

What is your pet's name?
I have none:( But my car's name is ronaldo!

Do you have any siblings? Do you get along?
One brother and one sister. And yes:)

Do you cry a lot?
Nada.

Would you prefer to date a celebrity?
Hah whatever's supposed to happen...

Are you good at keeping secrets?
Yeahs.

Do you participate in gym class?
We don't have PE anymore:(

Has anyone ever sang to you?
Well yeah...

If you were abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive?
Yes.

What is your favorite color?
PINK

What color are your eyes?
Blue-green-gray.

Which do you prefer, to eat or sleep?
Both, combined:)

How long does it take you to shower?
Like ten minutes.

I'm sooo frustrated right now. I can't even type it all out. For realzies.

Sorry for all the short posts.

Four Queens. Come Visit Me. You'll Make Me Happy:)

Last night, I had something really exciting to say. And I specifically remember thinking about how I'm going to blog it. But I forgot it.

Too. Tired. To. Function.

I am so tired right now! I don't really know why, except that I didn't really sleep good last night. I don't have much exciting to write about. Summer, not gonna lie, is kind of lame. I feel like every night my group of friends just goes to someone's house and watches a movie. I want to do something awesomeeee! Like go fishing, or star gazing, or creek stomping, or play ultimate frisbee, or go to walmart at three in the morning, or play hide and seek, or go on road trips, or take pictures, or i don't even know. Just something that's super awesome fun. I want this summer to be one that's like, the best summer I've ever had. Last summer was just filled with lots of depressing things and I was gone for the majority of it. This summer I want to meet new people. But I'm just too gosh dang shy when it comes to that. This summer I want to take risks, and grow closer with God. I wanted to do a mission trip really bad, but that didn't really fall into place, so I want to serve God right here in good ol' Cedar Falls. This summer I want to grow closer with God, and help others grow closer with God. Maybe this summer wont be so bad after all...

One Year.

"I guess heaven was needing a hero, somebody just like you. Brave enough to stand up for what you believe and follow it through. When I try to make it make sense in my mind the only conclusion I come to is heaven was needing a hero like you."

It's been one year since Devon passed away. I feel almost silly, because there are so many people that were way closer to him than I was. It's been a hard year. I still remember that day last year when Struck told us. I just remember thinking that it couldn't be real. Although I felt like this was in God's plan and sometimes God gives, and sometimes he takes away. I really thought that because of Devon's tragic death and how it happened, that this would be a wake up call and people would stop drinking and doing drugs. Nope. I was wrong. It made me really mad that last night, people would all go out and drink. People say they do that because Devon would want them to, but honestly, do you really think he would?

It always hurt me when people drank before, and I could never understand why, and no its jsut so much more confusing to me.

It's funny, well not really, but I miss Devon, and I didn't even know him all that well. Sure we had talked some and hung out a couple times, and I miss him a lot. It's almost like I wince every time I say the name Devon because it's just to surreal.

Well that's kind of all I really have to say. Soooooooo, bye?

Summmmmmer:)

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. "

-James 1: 2-3

I love this verse.

First Blog?!

I've never had a blog before...woahhhh.

Just so you know, i'll probably rarely remember to right a new post:)

And if you don't know me that much... well here's what you need to know.

My name's Ana. (Like on-a chair)

I am a junior at NU.

I am absolutely in love with Jesus.

I play volleyball and tennis.

My favorite animals are platypuses.

I'm really really shy when I first meet you, but then once I know you I'm not at all.

I like poptarts, chinese food and gummybears.

I love heights.

I love music and wish I could play every instrument.

I chose my name for this blog pretty much because God came into my life and completely turned it upside down, and I love it.

Pink is my favorite color.

I also don't swear.

I work at four queens. I make your ice cream.

I am oddly addicted to Jon and Kate plus 8. I own all the seasons and I have two copies of seasons 1 & 2.

I want to travel the world, really bad.

I also want my parents to adopt a baby.

If you write me a letter you'll be my best friend.

I've always been somewhat jealous of people that can blog.

Oh, and I share my birthday with a beanie baby cow.

THE END.